every post is a draft

I worry sometimes that I will be judged for what i say or what i write

but I worry more that I will be judged by myself for what i don’t say

for what i don’t write

times are hard

times are strange

times are lean

but if i stay silent i will go insane

there is hope for a better future

there is hope for a brighter tomorrow

the hope is in the children the hope is in our hearts the hope is in our ideas the hope is in our endless creativity and our infinite love for beauty

we can create a better world

with the people around us

we can create a happy home

I can create a happy home

i can contribute to a happy home, at least.

or at least I can try

that’s all i can do really

at the end of the day

all i can do is try

and i don’t hit the mark every time

i regularly miss it

i regularly miss out on what I’m “supposed” to be doing with my life

but perhaps what I’m supposed to do is just write

and write and rite

and write

and write until someone is inspired

what I am called to do is communicate

to send out a message to the world

a message of hope a message of peace

a message of love

joy

patience

patience is a hard one for me

i am so impatient inpatient?

i just can’t wait for people to spit those words out that i see coming a mile away

a century before they speak i see

or so i think

but often i am wrong

i guess wrong 92 percent of the time

i think i know what others will say or do

but then they surprise me

nearly every time they surprise me

whenever i assume someone hates me, often they are just insecure around me for whatever reason.

the possible reasons are infinite, so there is no point to assume

often the most likely reason someone didn’t text me back: they didn’t feel like texting at that moment.

it doesn’t mean a lack of love

it doesn’t mean a lack of willingness to communicate in the future.

it simply means, they didn’t feel like texting.

when i ramble my heart out the subject changes drastically quickly rapidly perhaps

something was knocked loose in one of my several concussions.

that is a valid possibility despite negative brain scans for visible damage.

perhaps my loose screw was a filter for propriety.

I often know what i should say or should do

but something in side of me prevents it

something inside of me is locked in a cage of my own construction i want to be set free i want to be set free but i am afraid of what would be inside of me is it always good to unleash a human?

who would i be unleashed

evidence is that people get afraid

but perhaps it is because i am afraid of what I am capable of

i know i am powerful and i know i am brave

but i need to learn humility

i need to learn that i dont know much at all

that i am just a peg

i am nothing more than a nub in the grand scheme of whatever this is

this universe

this life

this love this stronghold this hope

i am not even the whole seed

i am a mitochondrian in a cell in the heart of a seed

i am an electric pulse sending a signal through the tree-tea flowing up the xylem

i am rex i am ophelia

what i write is not my own

but the messages get garbled

things often get lost in translation

lost in translation

so many meanings

so many languages exist

and perhaps I try to learn them all so i can attempt to get my points across

because i so often get misunderstood

we are all so often misunderstood

all we want is love and agreement

yes, and?

yes, and?

yes, and?

what do I want?

poetry is controversial.

poetry is controversial.

the poets reveal their hearts to the world

and if their hearts don’t fit the narrative… then what?

creativity is to what end? to what misfortune? to what fortune?

for why do we create?

for why do I write?

for why do I write like I have no time left?

the writing is a coping mechanism like everything else.

it is an outlet for these thoughts

these thoughts these thoughts why are thoughts so scary?

why are thoughts considered dangerous?

do we want to live in a world where thoughts are dangerous?

i want to live in a world where I can say my two cents and you can take it or leave it .

but respectfully

i want to listen to you

i don’t want to hurt you

i dont want to hurt anyone

if something i say offends you, please tell me so we can talk about it

i don’t want to offend my friends and family, i want to share good times and good food.,

i want to make people laugh

i want to make people smile

i want to eat chocolate peppermint cake on a cold October night.

i want to decorate a christmas tree on the saturday after thanksgiving. before thanksgiving is much too soon for my tastes.

i want to cook pumpkin into everything for several months straight

i want my drinks warm and spicy

I want my beds warm and soft

i want my cold hands tucked into pockets

i want to walk on crunchy ice

i want to slip into your warm arms in a taxicab after a beijing snowball fight

i want to practice hugging like every one of our family members

i want to talk about dolphins and sing a song about the birds of Henan

I want to drive down mysterious dirt roads in a rain storm to try and find some dinosaurs

and drive a hybrid through a snowy pass and laugh the whole way through

while pregnant

and watch old faithful together, knowing I’ll be yours

now and forever

and a drum circle in south carolina will bless our holy union

may Dimosthenes Chondrakis

sing his ballads for our souls

as we dance our way into a life together

maybe I’m writing you a song

my ride or die

my starshine man

my love my special one